School Daze

It's been embarrassingly, unfathomably, unacceptedly too long.

"If in fact the Mayan calendar is correct, I gotta write again before I go spiraling through the universe, or get beamed up in a space ship, or become vapor. I should also do something with my idea to mash up Beyonce and Shakespeare with 'He's Got a Big Canon... Such a huge canon...' After all, he writes in iambs cuz he can back it up."

This is a glimpse into my pre-dawn, pre-caffeine, walk to the Belmont Blue Line psyche, while I'm on my way to the day job (maybe I'll win the battle against Microsoft Excel, maybe I'll help a third year med school student learn how to cooperate with the grouchy mother of an ailing toddler, or maybe I'll pass out candycanes and pretend I remember why y=mx+b, what's the day's adventure?), and sometimes these thoughts are mixed with questions about the Elmo doll standing sentinel in my neighbor's window, rueful considerations of Cheif Keef, and countless other cold morning inqueries. It is also a glimpse into the fact that I've lost my damn mind.

Nothing new there, so I digress.

Good, wholesome, public-private think-sessions on the train, on the bus, in the cubicle faking busy. Whenever I can manage some quick quiet amid all the get-up-and-go. It's hectic, but I won't complain.

This phase of my life is, however, more about the learning than the thinking, and how that knowledge impacts the next steps (see: If ya knew better, you'd do better).

It's December, harvest is past, time to look at what I reaped from this season, what I learned, what I'm relearning, what courses I'll have to retake because I ignored the lesson when it was taught the first time (or the twelfth... whatever).

I'm hearing Willy Shakes' words from Merchant of Venice tell me that mercy blesses the giver and the receiver, and learning that the truth worth of any blessing we are given is in how we use it for the benefit of another. This year has been fortunate, my world got a lot bigger, I surmounted some obstacles, reinvested in myself, grew- but that's in vain if I cannot be the spark for another. Hands to serve. I'm learning.

I am remembering the fact that a simple 'No' is a valid answer, be it in response to things that I am not able to extend myself to, or as an answer to a prayer. Everything you want, you don't need, and be thankful that you dodged some well dressed curses. My mom likes to remind me of the time I was three and considered putting Jello in the microwave to make it finish faster as a way to tell me that  1)  'You never had much sense' and 2) 'Be patient, it'll all work out the way it's supposed to.' Still learning.

I am remembering that art is an active decision, that the discipline of an actor does not begin and end at a script or audition. I come home, my roommate is perfecting his notes on his alto-sax, another is writing and re-writing, another has headphones blaring perfecting his latest productions. Each of them previously strangers are serving as inspiration with their passion, making me refascinate myself with the stuff humans are made of, what I'm made of, to better my own work on page or stage. They don't wait for the go-ahead to express. Review session, new teachers.

I was taught to take time yesterday when a student looked up at my fast and furious blonde-roast infused scribbles on the white board and asked if I was angry. I told him no, and his advice to me was to 'Go slower, it's nicer.' He doesn't know he was speaking to more than my chicken scratch scribe. Gold star, still learning. Breathe, Jess, take it easy.

Lynn Nottage's FABULATION taught me the importance of appreciating my roots and family, and a call from the west side took that lesson from a cerebral level to the gut. Next lesson: go back, remember to remember the ones who never forget you, love them like it's going outta style, and never take for granted the opportunity to ask 'How are you doing?' and really listen for the answer. It helps.

Treat the things and people you love like you love them. And word from second grade is to slow down. Out of the mouths of babes.